I'm A Survivor

I started the year 2015 feeling free from anger and grudge I've been carrying for far too long. A very spontaneous act and definitely a good start! So, what else have I survived from so far?

GoBald Campaign May 2015 

Trip To Bali 

White Water Rafting - Sabah

Tip Of Borneo, Kudat - Sabah

The Reunion

The Reunion

I Ran

And Ran Again

Trip To Mulu Caves

Pinnacles Climb

The most challenging of all was The Pinnacles Climb. I'm glad I did it now instead of putting it off. Thanks to Abigail. =) 

My travels and activities throughout the year wouldn't have been fun and exciting if not for the friends I have. And of course, my brother-my travel companion. It's been awesome!

I made some friends, let go of a few whom were full of shit and whole lifetime seasons of drama. Too much to handle. 

On the FIRST day I enrolled myself as a gym member, I collapsed, hit my head on the treadmill and screwed up my brand new glasses. Things have changed since. A little.

I'm A Survivor 

Absence

This Is How It Feels Like

Often,
I think of you
Calling you by name
Instead of by respect
That always made you laugh...
My crave for good food
That spicy fish sambal
That semolina payasam
That simple rasam
Will never be satisfied
Not in this lifetime

The puzzle
Will remain unsolved
For you took a piece..
It will remain incomplete
For the whole of this lifetime
For you will not return...

But my life will go on
Longing for you
Every now and then
I miss you more
During this celebration
For the joy
Is not the same without you
The preparation lacks happiness
Lacks laughter
Most importantly, lacks crowd...
It's not only your absence
But it's the absence
Of the entire Family...

Anytime

I worry

It concerns me

the Happy Waters

the flood incident

But it makes sense...

I know now...

Heartbreaking 

Knowing it would kill 

Maybe slowly but surely 

It ain't easy

To let go and accept

To hold on and then move on...

My dearest, 

Remember when we agreed 

it is okay to cry? 

This is not sympathy

This is me,

wanting to be the shoulder 

For You to cry on

Anytime You need one

ANYTIME that is...

♡♡♡ 

~My dearest Hey You, I know You are not taking it well. But I believe You should get a grip and face this. There shouldn't be regrets. ♡♡♡~

For You I Will

For You I Will

It's been rough lately
I've realised
Hence the Happy Waters...

I noticed
The old habit
Intensely immensed
Little did I know...

I've always 

had my doubts 

But I prayed anyway 

For Her, for You

But solely for You...
Just For You...

I hopefully thought
They were being answered
I'm not so sure anymore
I hate to be unsure
When it comes to You...

I'll be the pillar
If You need one
I'll be the grip
For You to hold on
For I know You,
You will never
Ever ask...

Let me, My Dearest
Share Your sorrow
Hold Your tears
Walk hand in hand
And face this together
For
As much as it torments You,
It kills me...


~I suck at making anyone feel better in any situation. Hence, I never bothered to even try. But For You, I will. A gazillion times. If You just let me... ♡♡♡~

Uncertainty

Let There Be Light

That look
Seeping right through
The straight curve
Almost not there
If one choose not to see...

Close distance,
Yet still afar
The longing
Will not cease
Not for now
And maybe, just maybe,
Not ever...

For You are
One of a kind
The kind that
Shower care with quizzes
Outstretch
Without wanting to reach...

That straight curve
Veins the wall
A territorial intrusion
To be or not to be
Is the question
Of uncertainty...

Someone Like You

♡ Yes, YOU did! =) ♡

I saw someone, 

Of your exact resemblance...

Almost jaw-dropping, 

I took another good look...

And I kept looking...

With a sky of hope, 

That it would be you...

That you will turn around, 

And flash that rare smile, 

Offer a hug... 

Little did I know, 

A doppelganger that was...

I know right then, 

I miss you...

Our random chat, 

Of the farm, the toxic duo, 

People, books, relationships
The run, hike, drives,
Coffee and cakes - China House

You knew,
Just what to say, when
Just what to do, when
Just how to, when
Especially when many failed
To even reach out...

I know right then,
There is no one like you,
Even if there is,
Like that doppelganger,
That person can NEVER,
Will NEVER EVER be
My 'Hey You'.

~I know this is way too late. My dearest Hey You, Happy Birthday. I wish you abundance of happiness and less shitty days to deal with. As much as you might cringe at this post, I want you to know - you are indeed a very special person, close to my heart. Missing you~

♡♡♡

How Would I Know?

A False Hope Is A Hope Indeed

How would I know

Of what could be

Of what should have been

Of what will be...

Did it hurt?
Was it as easy as it seems?
Or was it difficult?
Liberation-it is claimed
Only to know
It is not exactly what it seems...
It is way beyond that...

Now,
How would I ever know??
Of what could be
Of what could have been
Of what should be
Of what should have been
Of what would have happened??

Maybe One day,
It will all make sense...
Soon, very soon...
Perhaps...
A false hope is a hope indeed...

Food For The Sick

When I Was A Teapot...

These days...

X : Do you not eat rice?
Me: Not on a daily basis
X: What do you eat then?
Me: Bread, oats, milk, biscuits and stuffs along that line.
X: Makanan orang sakit! (Food for the sick!) What kinda digestive system do you have?
Me: The kind that induce guilt when I consume a proper meal
X: ....

Obviously, I've got an issue. Despite the fact that I'm underweight, I am VERY particular about my body weight. I don't mind losing them, but strict as hell, I should not gain any. I've been named 'Ikan Bilis' and 'Pikok' due to my physique. Though, I gotta admit, I love being called Pikok. =) I get, 'Why do you even bother to work out when you are skinny?' The funny shit is, these remarks usually come from those of bigger physique. I usually reply with a smile, though the bitch in me SILENTLY go 'So that I don't end up like you. Duh!' *Bitch Mode By Default* How I see my physical self differs from the reality. I'm petite but I still see myself as fat. Hence, the runs, work out etc. My friends suspect me of having Anorexia Nervosa. I don't. Okay, maybe I do, just a little. I've been on the 50kg range once upon a time. Ain't a big deal - but being petite, at 50kg, I appear to be a fucking teapot. I'm not a teapot anymore though, thanks to my special digestive system and the workouts. =)

Everyone has inferiority complex. Have you realised how we downgrade ourselves to get assurance from another party? You come up with nasty remarks about yourself just to hear the other person convince you otherwise. Of course, it is absolutely normal to seek for one's opinion of approval. After all, we all want to fit in.

What is totally wrong is when one gives a positive feedback, you deny it by continuously giving nasty remarks about yourself, forcing them to agree. That is shallow. You have an issue, deal with it. You don't force others to see you in a fucked up way like you do.

Don't go blaming on your past, about how anyone saw of you. That's just seeking for sympathy. Even if your self worth has been damaged by their remarks, that doesn't make them right. And you, by all means should be proving them wrong instead of agreeing. On a second thought, you don't have to prove shit. Ignore them for fuck sake. After all, it simply proves the fact that you don't need them, screwing your mind up. Just in case you didn't know, some people live up by screwing other's self value. *Fucking lowlives*

Don't get me wrong. When one comes up with a negative remark, it proves there is room for improvement. So, take it up as a challenge to make yourself better. Besides, there's always a way in telling shit to one's face. That makes the difference between a friend and a fucking lowlife. =)

Touch & Go

~Closed To Touch~

Dear People,

We are not a 'Touch & Go' station for ANYONE to roam their hands on us.

We shall not give in to any form of touch even if it was claimed not to hurt in any way.

We shall not compromise to touch even if it meant to compensate a good deed. 

When a touch is so secretive that it hurts, it is not worth the pain. AT ALL. 

A touch could be harmless but if it does not bring you comfort, brush it off.

Say NO if you do not want to be touched in ANY WAY POSSIBLE. Be it by a friend, a family member, a loved one. If it's against your will, it should STOP. MUST STOP.

We are not written in Braille. So, there is no necessity to touch.

PUT A STOP TO ANY KIND OF TOUCH THAT YOU DO NOT APPROVE. 

Caffeine Connection

~Post Consumption : Shit Was Red. Seriously~ 

A date
Of coffee and cakes
Of high end cafes
and the Old Towns

Moments shared
Sorrows and tears
Fun time celebrations
of successes and birthdays
of breakups and heartbreaks

Perfect mate,
A company to
Flipping scriptures
cruising through the journey

Came the time
I then
Bid farewell
to my lovely dates
though
Just for the time being
I so hope.....

~My dearest Thylage, Pavitra, Eugene, Shyamala, Melanie Ann, Maalini, Girithaara Ramanan, Harivaindran, Sean Huei and all those whom I have dated over a coffee, I miss our coffee moments. TREMENDOUSLY!

♡♡♡

The Surprise

The Memory Of You

A night of excitement
histeric laughs

joy and fun

Intruding random thought 

Ignorantly

I brush it off

A night of excitement 

of supposed surprises or 

The Surprise 

The ring

the tearful voice

A stolen moment... 

Hammering heartbeat 

The world spinning 

Surprise surprise

That damned thought

A reality check 

Ignorance ain't bliss 

for my world, my entire life

is stamped...

Stamped by the surprise 

of your sudden passing... 

~ In remembrance of my loving Grandma~

A Random Hairy Thought

The common questions I'm bombarded with everytime I meet a make-up artist (MA) on any occasion:  

MA(referring to my bushy eyebrows) : Why don't you go for threading? 

MA(Holding herself from getting her hands on my eyebrows) : I can't stand your bushy eyebrows. You should do something about it. 

MA : Hairy legs. Why don't you wax it?

And my answer is always 'Never done anything. Not planning to anyway.' And I get that cringe face in return.

Considering the effort to shave or wax off my bodily and facial hair is a waste of time that I'd rather read or even stare at the four walls. Besides, this shit needs maintenance from time to time, which I just couldn't give two fucks for, moreover spend money on it. Please! =/ 

I actually look up to those who waste their time and money in hair removal. To bear the pain of it. Fuh! =P 

And I Know I'm Not Alone!

(Don't) Shake It Babeh!

(Don't) Shake It Babeh!
Photo credit : www.snapthepix.com

'Yengge poringge?' means 'where are you going?' in Tamil. Being a Malaysian, regardless of whether you are an Indian or not, you would have definitely heard this being said somewhere. If you haven't, well, today you have learned something new then. =/

I admire those whom are eager to learn on languages other than their mother tongue but I am totally against those who makes fun of it on purpose.

I hate it when people try to impersonate speaking in Tamil and say God knows what while shaking their god damned head like the Tanjaoore Doll. For fuck sake, we Indians, don't speak in that manner. How many Indians whom speaks like the doll have you came across with?

And no, I'm not offended if you mispronounce and genuinely try to learn the correct pronunciation. But when you come up with your own words and make fun of the whole language, you piss me off. There's no such thing as 'yenghererere' or anything that sounds similar to it. So, don't come up to me and act smart by speaking rubbish. You'll probably end up getting smacked. *warning*

The tv commercials should just stop coming up with advertisements that potrays Indians speaking in a funny accent. That's just not right. Yes, I admit some Indians do have an accent when they speak but there is no need for exaggeration. We Indians, do not shake our heads when we speak (at least not to the extend that is being potrayed on tv). The recent advertisement for the brand Tumix, is such a turn off. The advertisement featured Adibah Noor speaking in Malay but in an Indian accent, wearing a traditional Indian clothing. I don't even get it. I'm damn sure, if you used a real Indian lady for the ad, she wouldn't have spoken like how Adibah Noor did. =/

If you are genuinely interested in learning Tamil, you can always do it in a proper manner. There is no need to shake your damned head and create some annoying accent. You might end up getting smacked. Looking at the brighter side, getting smacked is better than being slashed with a parang anytime of the day.

What Say You?

Nah, Ambik Kau!

NO, YOU REALLY DON'T IMPRESS ME! 

I was at a restaurant with X, Z and a bunch of other people whom were trying their level best to lure me into a MLM business scheme. This was what happened : 

X (refering to Z) : He is such a simple person, but he earns RM45k monthly. 

Me : So?? 

X : Well, it would be great to earn that much money...

Me : Of course, but you don't have to be that greedy... 

And then, I saw Z snapping his fingers to call the waitress.  

Me : Why does he need to snap his fingers to call the waitress? 

X : To get her attention so that he could place an order? 

Me : He could raise his hand and wave or something. I'm sure she is not blind. There are so many other ways. 

X (snaps his finger and calls the waitress) : See, that's how it's done. 

After a while, X moved over to the table adjacent to mine. Annoyed with the finger snapping, I decided to let X taste his own medicine. I snapped my fingers and called him over. X came over with a frown and an uneasy facial expression. 

Me : That's exactly how she would have felt when you buggers keep snapping your fingers at her. 

X : ..... 

Z : .....

Then, I left. Honestly, RM45k income with rotten respect for others does not impress me AT ALL. Thank you very much. 

The Missing Toothbrush

My Brother : Remeniscing The Olden Days

A post to remind us that even the trivial thing on earth could lead to some serious shit. All we need is to sit and talk that shit out instead of prolonging and worsen it. We need the balls to apologize and the willingness to forgive. And trust me, when you forgive, it doesn't mean you forget there and then. Though eventually, you will. 

Tuesday : My brother and I bickered over a missing toothbrush. Dumb shit, I know. So, we exchanged some sarcastic remarks and profanities.

Wednesday : My brother apologized for pulling a fit over a missing toothbrush. I apologised as well. Settled! 

This is not the first time we've bickered. Everytime my brother and I bicker over something, he has always been the first person to apologize. Of course, if at all I'm at fault, I'd definitely apologize. After all, sibling riot is perfectly normal. 

If only people were more willing to apologize and be forgiving, any issue at all could have been settled with just a discussion over tea. 

People these days are so egoistic that they don't appreciate family values anymore. The elders especially, though they were the ones who instilled those values in us. They taught us to apologize and be forgiving. Now, pride is all that matters. No apologies and no forgiveness. What the fuck happened to 'practice what you preach'? Hipocrisy at its peak! 

People should take a chill pill and talk shit out. What do you get by prolonging your issues anyway? After all, we are not going to live forever! How is it even possible to live with grudge and not respect one another as human beings? Doesn't that make you a mean, bitter person? Even if you do all that charity in the world, it will never set you free! 

The Answer To Your Questions

No! This would not turn you into a dumb blonde!! 

A few days ago, my friends and I were talking about the bliss of consuming alcohol. NO! I don't condone on alcoholic behaviour. I'm just saying occasional consumption of alcohol is blissful, especially when you are with the right company.

I had my first sip of beer at the age of 18. A Tiger. I loved it, despite the bitter taste. Eventually in years, I tried some cocktails, vodka, whisky and all sorts. I love booze! I consume them but I keep to my limits. Yes, I do. No doubt about it. All it takes is a strong will to say NO when you know you had enough. And YES, you can always choose not to drink if you don't want to drink. And it is totally unnecessary to get drunk each and every time you drink. The choice is all YOURS.

I love the feeling of being tipsy. The tingles in your head is actually funny if you really focus on it. It is amusing when you notice your friends are being the opposite of what they usually are. Some turn to be really happy, some too emotional or some even fix silencer for themselves and become extremely quiet. Some will consume alcohol like it is water and have very little effect on them.

Coming back to the conversation I had with my friends. In the mid of the conversation, my friend asked, 'have you ever been taken advantage of when you were drunk?' And I answered in full confidence, 'No, probably they wouldn't dare,' putting into thought that my drinking buddies are my bodyguards. Now, thinking about it, I can assure it was not because of my buddies. The simple reason was ME. I'm civilised enough to behave myself. Just because you are drunk, doesn't mean you're an easy access. No one would take advantage of you if you behave and not give the wrong impression. It is totally unnecessary to be slutty or drunk dial or act like a real dumb blonde. That's just plain cheap and desperate.

Someone once told me that a temple is the place to find a potential one to get married to compared to a bar/club. Like are you fucking kidding me??? What is this? Fucking 1950s?? To all you buggers out there, just because a woman drinks, that does not mean she is immoral in any way. How shallow can you be to judge a woman as such?? And to those of you thinking of finding potentials in a temple is the way to go, suit yourself. I have nothing more to say but 'Grow The Fuck Up'!!

A couple of drinks with a good company is just awesome instead of putting your head into the damned phone, checking on FB or Instagram every 5 seconds. Get a fucking life! I believe drinking is not wrong as long as you don't make it a habit.

*cheerz*

Battlefield

It has come to this
A battlefield
Scarring,
Killing us

As much as
We protect,
We hurt
We kill

The fear
Jabs like a dagger
Tormenting daily

Each query
Feeds pain
Every answer
Inadequate
Unsatisfactory

Cold war
A silent battle
Every day

Will we somehow
Survive This
or
Will we
Be parted...

*Sayangku, this post is for the both of us. Nothing kills me more than the thought of being parted from you. I know time is really trying on us now. It's challenging. But let's just hold on to each other. Hold on to our beliefs, our principles, for that has formed us to be whom we are today*

♡♡♡

How Could You?

As much as I'm raged to the bone, I can't help but to reminisce all the great years with you.

You,
Sent me to school
Sat me on the kitchen counter while you cooked all the tasty, awesome food
Hand-sewed my clothes for Deepavali
Made me absolutely proud
For my friends wished you were theirs

And then...

You,
Left without a word of goodbye
Left without a second thought
Left during one of the happiest moment of YOUR life
Left at the most crucial moment of HER life
Left us all lost and clueless
Left, separating everyone
Left, making life look like a goddamned Tamil movie...

How Could You???!!!

I still love you so...
♡♡♡

Time Just Went

I have just finished reading 'When I Was A Kid' by Cheeming Boey. It is some sort of a comical stuff but based on the childhood of the writer himself. Funny and of course, it brought back so many fond memories from the past. And I would say that reading the book, I'm sure that he wasn't the only one to feel the things he wrote in.

So, I figured out my own 'when I was a kid' series and the changes it has come to. Thank you Cheeming Boey, for inspiring this blog post. =)

When I was a kid...

1. I dreaded Saturdays because mum would make my brother and I sprout the bean sprouts (tauge in Malay). I have always wondered why she has to buy so much of it when there were only four of us in the family. Then I read an article saying bean sprouts leads to long life and thought my weekend is so screwed 'coz it would only mean one thing: MORE BEAN SPROUTS! =/
2. My after schools were spent with my late granddad. Daily, he would bring my brother and I to Ah Choo Aunty's shop and treat us to Mamee, umbrella shaped chocolates and coconut ice cream. The ice cream wrapper had a white woman with really, really thick lips, drinking from a coconut. Weird!
3. My late granddad used to tell that the chickens were going to lay eggs on my head just because my hair was a mess. Come on, curly hair is a pain to maintain, okay. Especially when you are only 5 or 6 years old, and you just couldn't give two fucks about how you look. Lol! 
4. I loved to groom my granddad. Well, picture this: My granddad was bald with very little hair on the sides of his head. And I would comb and comb his hair and tie his bandana to prepare him for his gardening job. And that Man sat still and let me do it even if that meant he was about to lose the remaining hair he had. Yeah, HE IS THE MAN!! 
5. Thylage came to stay with us and so I had a partner in crime. I shall leave it at that. Muahahaha!! 
6. My parents were very strict. Their weapon: The Stare. And when you get stared at, it only meant ONE THING: YOU ARE SO SCREWED! 
7. My mum made a time table for my brother and I, and it was stricly to be followed. Most of it consist of the word 'ulangkaji' all the way till bedtime. Who uses that word now?? Lol 
8. My brother and I used to seek permission for every single shit. May I use the phone? Can I do this or can I do that and even to use the washroom. I know, it sounds like a military camp. But now, we just inform my parents of what we do. That's a huge difference. A reality check for my parents that we are grown ups. Lol! 
9. My house was nearby the beach. Yeah, awesome indeed! We'd go for walks and when we spot shoes, slippers or toys, we would make fun of each other that it belongs to one of us. Usually, my bro and I would get the 'hey, look! That's your shoe! Or toy or whatever that is' 
10. My dad made it crucial for us, the children to memorize the times table. If we did well, answering his questions, he treated us to 7-Eleven's Slurpee. Back then it was a luxury. If any of us fail to answer even 1 question, everyone stays home. Even if the other sibling did it perfectly. Yeah, it sucked to screw up. Seriously! 
11. My parents did spot checks on our school bags. Yeah, military camp. I know. And if there were any very short pencils, my dad would break it by hand and say 'Did I not buy you enough pencils that you have to use these? I never really understood his issues with short pencils. 
12. My brother, Thylage and I loved to play Polis Sentri. We used to make machine guns using the planks and plywoods. Dad would actually help to saw and nail them together and we would use rubber bands as the bullet to attack the each other. *Fun* Who plays Polis Sentri now. I doubt kids these days have even heard of it.
13. Once in a while, the whole family including my grandparents would go for dinner at McDonald's. We would take a bus to Gurney Drive Sunrise Tower, have dinner and the stop by a kuih stall to buy my brother's favourite kuih sagu. And then, take a bus home. After 25 years down the road, the McD is still operating but I doubt the kuih stall is. 
14. If we were to go out anywhere as a family, my parents would sit my brother, Thylage and me on the sofa and warn us : 'We are going shopping. Do not ask for anything. We know what to get you. Do not create a scene. Behave yourselves. And if you don't, you're so done once we get home.' Yes, we have always behaved, never creating any scene. Hence, the reason why I can't and I won't tolerate kids misbehaving. It proves only one thing : Bad parenting 
15. My parents never allowed us to say the word 'bodoh'(stupid) or anything related to that, cacat (handicapped) and 'curi' (steal) They insist us on using the word 'kurang pandai'. If someone has stolen our stationery, they insist that the someone actually 'terambil' (accidentally took) our stuff and did not mean to steal it. To think about it, now, I have learned up profanities and use them to glory when I drive. So much for controlling the usage of vocabularies. Lol! 

I could go on and on if I want to. I understand now how Cheeming Boey managed to come up with the book. It is just a never ending story. Our childhood that is. Even if I lived in a 'military camp' it was simply awesome. Everything was of low expectations and happiness. Now, its basically dealing with crap. Oh well, LIFE!

Complimentaries :

Family, back in the year 1996

When I was 10 

Hell No, Woman!!

         Picture taken from sassyecards.com

Lately, women annoy the crap outta me as much as men does. Like seriously!

1) Bug the hell outta the boyfriend
Now, come on. Dude has got a job to attend rather than entertaining your damned drama. Calling and texting him during work is not gonna strengthen any shit between you guys. Please, stop bugging the daylight outta him. Probably it's the only time he is in peace anyway. Lol!

2) He is the only thing that matters
Who the fuck are you kidding??? Okay, fine. He is your prince charming and you're in love and shit. There are other things that matters as well. Like what, you may ask. Well, like EVERYTHING ELSE BESIDES HIM.

3) Stop being paranoid
Haven't you heard that there is a thing called 'The phone ran out of charge"? Yes, shit happens. So, when he is unreachable, just calm down, chill and wait. It is unnecessary to contact all his friends across the globe, asking on his whereabouts. Dude is probably trying to breathe for some precious 5 minutes.

4) DO NOT stop him
No ladies! Hell no! Just as much as you hate them forcing you to do shit, they hate it as well. Please do not force them to stop doing things that they love to do. Like sports, play station, or even outing with the buddies. Some men remain being boys so they definitely need their space. To grow up at least! Let them be!! ;)

5) DO NOT stalk on him or/and check on his phone
You women, don't even deny it. Stalking him on FB or checking his phone only proves one thing : YOU are so insecure about yourself. He wouldn't be looking for another option if you are good enough for him. Oh well, if you beg to differ, let's say he stalks you on FB and checks on your phone. How does that make you feel? EXACTLY MY POINT. Like duh!!!

Think ladies! It is really not necessary to do all of the above. Time and space gives an opportunity for love to grow.

Out!