If I Die Young

*An edited post from a blog which I've written on June 11, 2007*

SUICIDE - Here are some facts & figures :
a)In average, 7 people commits suicide each day in Malaysia
b)Nearly 2000 people commits suicide per year
c)It is estimated that suicide will be the second leading cause of death among Malaysia, after heart attacks

Suicide is ALWAYS RELATED TO STUPIDITY. Mention the word "suicide" and u can hear people going "That’s mere stupidity" or "How stupid can that be?"

One will not say suicide is pure stupidity if he/she had been suicidal or even had suicidal thoughts. Take note that I’m not promoting suicide nor I'm saying suicide is the way out. THIS IS MY PERSONAL POINT OF VIEW!

Being depressed once, I’ve always wondered should I live another day and I cursed myself for being alive. I felt so miserable and emotionally in pain. I hated every single thing about my life and was hoping for the fine day where I can actually end it. I USED to think suicide is an option to get away from problems. I’ve never tried anything massive though but the thought was always there. Seriously speaking, I didn’t really have the guts to actually hurt or kill myself but Ive always wondered how does it feel like to die and what’s life after death is all about.

Suicide to me is a decision made after a VERY long consideration. It’s not easy to decide on taking your own life, furthermore if it causes loads of pain and suffering. How many of us are really capable of taking our own life even if it cause you less pain such as consuming excessive sleeping pills and sleep yourself to death. When one had decided to commit suicide, it means that the person had already taken it into long consideration(be it for a rational reasons or not) and truly realize the consequences of their action. (Like duh!!)

People choose suicide as they feel there are no more options or ways to solve their problems, pain and sufferings. They come to a point where no matter how much they crack their skull to solve their problems they could only find a dead end and there is no other options available other than suicide. It’s a step taken to end all the sufferings and pain.

I truly look up to those who commits suicide or even attempts it. It’s a very bold and brave decision to take. It takes an awful load of courage to actually take your own life, facing the pain, dying little by little till the very last breath, waiting for the moment to be free from all the damned things in life. Whether they're able to find peace or true happiness through death is another question.

A friend of mine once told that she read from a religious book which said when a person commits suicide, the soul lingers. It would be stuck between the life and death until the time when they are really suppose to have died, and only then the soul would proceed to life after death! I've always wondered how true it is.

I bet that people believe that there is a reason behind every single thing in life. But how many of us applies it to death caused by suicide? If a person dies naturally, we accept it as God’s will. But why is it that when someone commits suicide, it is never taken the same. Logically speaking, If God would want you to live, He wouldn’t even initiate the thought of suicide. Everything that happens is God’s will. So, in God’s will, people commits suicide. So, it’s not wrong after all. If one were to think suicide is stupid, then God would be stupid as well. I'm not condemning God or what so ever but just speaking my mind.

But, I truly feel there should be some exceptions on the reasons to commit suicide. First of all, do not commit suicide for another person. That’s definitely not worth. This goes for all those soppy freaks who takes drastic decision on taking their life just because of love failure. Your life is so precious, why would you wanna waste it for someone who’s not even worth anything in your life. When you decide on anything, decide for yourself and not for others. After all, this is not worth the risk.

Curiosity of what life after death is all about can really be intriguing but have you heard, "CURIOSITY KILLS THE CAT??" Yeah, once you kill yourself, it’s undone. So, decide. You wouldn't want to regret after committing suicide, in which I think you actually will.

It’s all in your hands though. Think wisely and decide! Don’t regret later on as it can’t be undone.

I would dedicate the song If I Die Young by The Band Perry (click to view) to all that has been there and done that.

Tattoo

You're On My Heart Just Like A Tattoo

~Jordin Sparks - Tattoo~

Kopi Cine (An awesome coffee place in Penang) provides a table wrapped with Mahjong Paper and crayons for the customers. Probably, this is the only blog post which has loads of pictures. To all these people : You're On My Heart, Just Like A Tattoo. =)

TEDDY

Dearest Teddy,

~YOU MAKE ME SMILE~

=)

Dear Dad

"Are you planning to quit?? That means you'll have to look for a new job once you're done. Will you even get a job in the first place?? Is it possible for you to go back to your current workplace after that?" ~From My dad

I know that he didn't mean to discourage me in anyway. It's just the typical mentality of him that worries about me starting from scratch again despite of my age. And Dad, "HELL NO! I'm not going back there". I wish I could say that to him. =P

I often wondered where life leads all of us to. Of course, most parts of life is actually what we have decided on and some parts of it just came along. To look at it in an uninteresting way, life is all about growing up. It's actually a monotonous life we lead here. As far as I know, Asians (or is it just Malaysians) has a very monotonous lifestyle.

You grow up, you go to school, college then you get your ass a secured job. Then you get a car, then you just work your ass more and more and get a house. Then you hunt for a partner (or just because you are scared to end up all alone for the rest of your life, you get yourself hooked to someone). You get married, have a child or two or a football team. Then, you work even harder to support your family, to educate your children. You try your very best to refrain your children from making mistakes. Your children will go through the same shit you got through and you get to watch it. Only thing is that your children learn shit on their own as they are not allowed to make any mistake.

Let's look at life from another point. How many of us got our dream job?? How many of us actually strive towards excellence and work for that dream. We tend to grab every job opportunities that pays well, without thinking for our own self satisfaction. If it makes us happy in some ways, that would be good enough. But what if it doesn't?? We have to dread ourselves every morning to go to work. Just because the job pays well, it doesn't assure you to happiness. Attending a job that you hate is never going to make you happy even if you earn a lot. Being in a shitty job drains you even more than you could ever imagine. Trust me on that.

Of course, money is everything now. As the lame saying goes "No Money No Talk". But, what's the point of being a millionaire if you have to live in misery and not even a tiny bit piece of you is happy. On the other hand, if you've chose to ignore your own happiness and just focus in the money itself, that's a different issue. But, there will be a point of time where you'd look back and you'll realize your job had drained so much off you for the money you're getting paid. Somehow, it's never late to just get a grip of your life and start all over again - since you've got the money. =P

If you think it's too late to follow your dream, think again. It's never too late. It's all about the self satisfaction and accomplishment that you feel once you get there. As the saying goes "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a step". Grabbing opportunities is one thing and living your dreams is another. Given a chance, I would rather live my dreams and have all the tiny bit piece of me HAPPY. I wouldn't want to dread myself for the everyday routine and live in misery, doing something I never had the passion in. I would like to die doing what I love the most. It has been decided and I'm going to follow suit.

And Dad, I really don't bother whether I'll get a job later on because all I want to do is follow my dream. That's making me HAPPY and I'm going for it!! I know you'll never stop worrying about me starting from scratch again. But at the same time, I know you'll never stop me from doing what I have always wanted to do. And I thank you for that. =)

p.s : I Love You, Dad

How Is It Possible

...You ever love somebody so much, you can barely breathe....
...Now you're getting farqing sick of looking at 'em...

~Phrase from Eminem ft Rhianna: Love The Way You Lie~

It's so surprising to feel so annoyed and disgusted to just look or talk to the person that once had meant the whole world to you. How could it even be possible to feel such way?? Well, MAYBE ... :

It is possible when time and distance comes in the way. When the commitment of being committed in a relationship (regardless of the type) is not being fulfilled, the total concept of the relationship changes.

It is possible when in time, both party tend to take the relationship for granted. Either they are bored and tired of each other or they never had the time to spend together that it pulled them apart.

It is possible when both parties are separated by distance. Distance may cause drifting apart in a relationship but an effort put to bridge in and maintain a relationship makes a huge difference. And of course, coming from only one side isn't going to make a difference in any way.

It is possible when only one party is putting all the efforts into maintaining the relationship but the other party is just taking it as it goes. In short, there's only giving from one side and taking from the other side. There's no even distribution of the give and take policy. There's a point in life when you get so tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. It is not giving up but it's realizing that you don't need certain people and the bullshit they bring.

It is possible when the sense of security and passion is not present. Sense of security and passion - one of the main key in a relationship. Without this key, relationship is going to be locked up for good.

It is possible when once upon a time, only the presence of that particular person was sufficient enough but now, the sight of the person itself piss the shit outta you.

It is possible when once upon a time you had so much of communication and now you barely have anything to say to each other. Communication breakdown itself brings a huge difference in a relationship.

People Just Make Me Talk

Out!

Acceptance

I was driving when I heard the advertisement on the radio based on "1 Malaysia" concept. A very good approach I would say. The advertisement some sort said "Don't judge others as you wouldn't want others to judge you." But then again, it got me thinking, do we ever stop judging others? Somehow, the advertisement just didn't reach it's goal. All of us judge others based on first impression, be it the way they dress, talk, eat or even the way they stand still. And yet, we put up a front and say "Don't judge others."

When you see a female on the bigger size wearing tight skimpy clothes, you tend to just stare at her to the extend your eyeballs were popping out of the socket. Then you go, "Check out the Michelin mascot! She needs a mirror!" I won't deny the fact that I've had thought such things before. But, to think of it, it all actually comes to the self confidence and the acceptance of the person itself. She is just being comfortable and confident in those clothes. Just because you are not comfortable in such clothes, doesn't mean others should feel the same way too.

When you see a person with a stern frowning face, you tend to judge the person as a snob when the truth is the person is just born with it and can't afford major reconstruction on that very face. You can't just judge a person merely by physical appearance. Facial expression is totally a different thing. They have so much of messages to convey. In the end, u don't have a choice but to judge it yourself. Somehow or rather, judging takes place here. That doesn't mean it gives you the right to judge the personality of that particular person. Some people are just comfortable being on their own rather than being all hyped up in a crowd.

When a person speaks his mind and it turned out to be a nasty remark, you label him as "rude". This happens out of frustration of being belittled in front of others. You'll hate him for life due to that. On the other hand, how many of us actually speak our mind?? It's either we lie or just pretend to be happy with what ever the other party does. It's all because the person wouldn't accept the nasty remark you're about to make and of course, it's because you wouldn't want to be labeled as "rude" and end up being all alone for the rest of your life just because you are being true to yourself. I have only one thing to say, YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE. If at all there is anyone you should please, it should be your own self.

As a conclusion, we are always in denial. We will never accept people for being who they are. We can never accept the fact that we are being judged and we will never stop judging others. In the end, "acceptance" is just a random word in dictionary which we will never put into practice.

Hidup Ini Penjara

Blue - Picture taken from Star Cruise Ship via Sony Ericsson C902.
It's so amazing how awfully blue you tend to feel sometimes...
~Solitude~

Credit for the picture goes to Noryusma

Just when I thought the whole world is crashing down, this picture put a smile on my sour face
These are the people who have made my life rather interesting and so much fun to live with during school days. And I would like to just thank all of them for making my school life so damn AWESOME!
*Those were the days*
~sigh~

..And So He Has Spoken

"You're 25 and you're not married??" That's the exact question a blood donor asked me a few weeks ago. It's not just him. It happens every other time when I attend a wedding- be it a friend's or relative's. All They care is me being 25 and not married. And They kept pestering me to keep hunting, which I have already gave up dinosaurs years ago. Not forgetting the Matchmaking Efforts by a significant friend of mine - Sorry dear! It just don't work out that way..

Marriage is just not in my mind for now and Maybe for a very long time. When my parents started talking about marriage few weeks ago, I laughed my ass off. Honestly, I find it funny as both of them were clueless on how to start the conversation. When Dad finally broke the news, I laughed my azz off as it wasn't what I had expected them to talk about. Eventually I was stopped from laughing all the way and serious conversation started. This is where reality strike badly and made me think so much. In fact, I became slightly paranoid.

The very first thought was "I have to be so much considerate for all the in laws and all the other strangers whom I barely know." With this, I can never be myself. I may have to act. I have to filter every thought and words to be said-which I rarely do in life. Being home, I'm free to speak what's on my mind, even if it's an offending remark, they understand just because they know that's the way I am. Do I actually have to listen to all the others and just follow even though I'm not happy? Or am I suppose to confide in my partner and forever complain about everything that I'm not satisfied with? Only if he's willing to listen. What If he is not??

Will I have the freedom that I have at home?? Will I be able to just go out as I simply pleased? Will I ever be able to just go for a drive just because I feel like it?? Will I be able to go out with my friends for a drink as usual?? Will I be able to just have my privacy for some time?? Will I ever be allowed to meet up with any male friends that I've had all my life?? Do I need permission to do all that due to the new status but at home, I don't ask but only inform.

Cooking is so not my thing at all. I have never bothered to learn cooking and I don't know how to cook. Will they blame my mum for not teaching all her skills?? Am I supposed to force myself to do something that I never had interest in? Even my mum had never forced me to learn cooking.

The conditions I have for the marriage- will it ever last?? Will they force me to change my mind? Will I actually change my mind for them just because I'm forced to?? Will I be enforced into something that I never want to have and be responsible for it??

Will the marriage even last in the first place?? I won't know till I step into one. But, this is not a trial and error session to deal with as it costs my life. This is why I have been ignoring the whole marriage issue as all my questions leads from one to another. And I never seem to get perfect, secured answers for them. And I guess, this very ignorance has made a greater impact on all my insecurities towards marriage, which is why reality strike so badly...

Beautifully Broken

*Inspired by "Stray Thoughts" - The Sunday Star*

The article "Broken People" on the newspaper caught my attention. It was indeed a very simple article regarding happiness and pain that got me questioning about my very own self. How many of us are actually being happy to the core? Happy here I meant - REALLY HAPPY-which is being happy without feeling broken or hurt inside-happy without any grudge. Happy of being carefree. Anyone?? If you think you are happy, think again.. Are you REALLY HAPPY about everything??

What is it exactly that makes you feel happy or content perhaps. Is it the amount of cash you have/earn or is it being with your loved ones or is it because of the sense of accomplishment that you feel??

To think of it, happiness is just a temporary phase. Most of the time, we dwell in our "long time ago in a faraway land" issue that had made us feel sad, heartbroken or angry. Just for a thought, have you let go of the fact that you have been hurt by that one person you have loved the most in your life? Do you actually want to let go ? Would you ever let go of it?

We are all actors in the theater of life. A whole lot of us are walking around with so much of grudge and disappointment in within but put up a happy front. Certain acts of people towards us will never fade in time just because we never want to let go of it. Somehow, it is a form of revenge that we seek. When people say time heals, it actually doesn't. It might take forever because we are never willing to let go of even the slightest pain someone caused us.

So, what does it really take for us to be happy to the core?? Is it even possible??

o.O

Yet to find the answer..

Relationship-An Abusive One

November 21st 2009, 630am - I received a phone call with a loud cry that said, "Hemaa, he's going to kill me!!! He wants me to die!!" and the line got disconnected. 10 minutes later, got a phone call again with the same cry and statement only with additional panting effect and the line got disconnected. I tried calling back for god knows how many times but couldn't get through. Imagine this : 630am, you're getting ready for work and you got THIS phone call from a dear friend of yours that lives about hundreds of kilometer away from you. What would you do ?? Well, I was dumb-strucked!! The failure to reach her again just added spice to that. Eventually, after a few hours, I managed to get her on the phone and I was so relieved to hear that she had managed to escape herself from death. What actually happened??

Her (ex)boyfriend which she used to live with tried to kill her by forcing her to jump into the sea just because she had left him and his other fling is leaving him as well. Not forgetting the part where she was beaten and kicked (which was the main reason why she left him) and even given just ten minutes to make her last call to whomever she wants for the very last time (in which she actually called ME). Somehow she managed to escape and made a police report which there was no action taken.

According to a survey, every 1 in 3 female is involved in an abusive relationship, be it physically, mentally or sexually. Some face death threats and some even got killed by their possessive psychopath boyfriends/husband!! In other cases, some even killed their husband/boyfriends out of self- protection. If at all you realize you are involved in any form of abusive relationship, LEAVE the fucker him for GOOD!!! REMEMBER, if he hit you ONCE, he WILL hit you AGAIN!!!! No matter how sorry he feels after hitting you and promised not to repeat it, he WILL!! Just because that's the only way he can channel his anger, frustration, and possessiveness.

You seriously need to get out of the relationship when

1. He's having flings everywhere
   
2. He keeps on calling to check where you're at
   
3. He stalks on you
   
4. He refrains you from communicating with the outside world - friends, neighbors
   
5. He limits your movement
   
6. He keeps track of the time and distance from home to the closest departmental store
7. He starts to use abusive language on you in front of others-his friends,your friends, etc
   
8. He hits you - even if its just a SLAP or a SLAM on the wall

Please don't :

1. Stay in the relationship just because he make it up to you after all the fights
2. Stay in the relationship just because your kids need a father - They will be so much better off without him
   
3. Stay in the relationship just because you have no options on where to run or what to do about your life

It's your life that you have to live with. Don't live in fear! Move out and start anew. Don't be the victim!!

And yes, after all the physical and verbal abuse my friend went through, she is now doing very fine without that fucker boyfriend. Please, leave before it's too late and Let this be a lesson for everyone to learn!!