Missing Home Chronicles

Sunset From Home

20th July 2021. Hari Raya Haji. Listening to takbir raya makes me weep. It brings the longing, sinking feeling out in the open. It has been about one and a half year since I have gone home. I miss home. Terribly. I miss just to be able to dine with my family, watch tv and laugh out loud or even get mocked at how I laugh out loud at the simplest lamest joke possible. #mudahterhibur 

Today has been especially hard to deal with. Being away from home for far too long does take its toll. 

6th August 2021 : I miss mum a little bit more today. Could be due to Grey's Anatomy episodes where Maggie's mum got sick and Maggie tries her very best to help cure the sickness. *sigh* 

16th August 2021 : The AC in the office is so damn cold. Takes me back to almost 11 years ago where E always makes an effort to keep me warm everytime I'm feeling cold. As much as I am not a person who's keen on being physical, this simple gesture always warms my heart regardless. I guess it's the little things that count and remains in your memories. Feeling nostalgic, I began reading the conversations from before, and concluded that nothing much has changed since. 😂🤪

29th August 2021 : Mum's birthday today. Sent her a cake and some hearts for her to break. How ironic. Like I have not broken her heart enough already. 🤪 Video called during the cake cutting and shit. It's heartwarming to see her smile and hear her say 'This is my best birthday ever. I'm happy.' She says that every damn year but it's nice to hear her say with that ear to ear smile. Proves a point that effort goes a long way. 🤭🤭 My heart is full just seeing her bright smile. 

10th September 2021 : Video called home again today. Mum was yapping away to kingdom come. I did some parading on the deliveries and spoke about random things.  

September 2021 by far has been the loneliest ever I felt in the longest time. Nothing much has been going right. Self-satisfaction on anything and everthing has been out the window. I'm so exhausted of making and putting effort where I don't belong. Perhaps, I never did belong here in the first place. How ignorant of me to miss the signs. I tend to forget that if I had lived just fine before certain attachment, I should be able to do the same shit now without it. Maybe I was just making the best out of what was offered by fate. Or maybe I was just dumb as fuck to get too attached. 😅😅 Could this mean that I am slowly making my way back to where it all began? Or is it just a phase of withdrawal I'm going through? 

4th November 2021 : The most quiet and low key deepavali I've had by far. Went to work to settle some shit, spent the rest of the day on my own and then went out for dinner & movie at night. Nothing great of a celebration but it was alright nevertheless. 

3rd December 2021 : Fucking finally heading home today. Typing this while waiting to board my flight... Oh damn the anxiety and excitement 🤪🤪 

Reached home and been home bound for most of the days. Home is more of a warehouse now 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ oh well! Some things just never change. But I spent time with everyone. Laughed my ass off with Lekavathee. Just being home felt surreal and good. 

17th December 2021 : Flying back to Kuching today. When I got in the GrabCar, the driver said 'Wah, I can see your father really sayang you. That's very nice.' 😭😭😭 It always feel like it's the last time I'm meeting the family. It's never a 'I'll see them soon.' As they are consumed by age, I guess I'm just preparing myself. 

I'm sitting at the airport, waiting to board the plane and crying my ass off. Things will not be the same again. Already missing everyone and everything. 

Tug of War

How It Feels To Hope

Hope is a distance

For every time you speak

I move a little closer

Hope is a destination 

For every inch you move further

I step forward towards you 

Hope is fragile 

For everytime you snap the stitches open

I patch it up again and again 

Hope is dangerous 

For just a little smile from you

Brightens my sunken heart  

Hope is tormenting 

For every little thing you do 

Makes me want to fix us 

Hope is the only answer

For the tug of war 

Between us to end... 

 

Two

 Two Is NOT ALWAYS Better Than One

Two

Is all it takes 

To smile

To greet

To laugh

To clap 

To feel

To lead

To love

To leave... 

Leash

Darkness Prevail

Oh the audacity

Of being laconic

To cease everything curated

Did you even bruise 

At being punched 

With endless query 

Or

Did you swell

At having the upperhand

To let go 

And still be a thrall... 

Convenience

 

Right Here, Waiting

Dope party 

of You, talking beats

and I listened, mostly

For your convenience...

Party paused 

still loud but eerily silent

at your convenience 

Questions raised, 

self-convincing, awkward answers 

left me to ponder and wander 

Now 

the party has begun

at Your convenience 

yet again

but wait I did

Right here

Just to feel the beat again... 

So I Thought

We got along 

Understood well

We sailed through

Or so I thought...   

 

Does having an opinion 

Makes me so wrong? 

Or 

Should I have agreed to the wrong 

And not stand to my opinion?  

Does it bother you 

As much as it torments me? 

Did you genuinely care 

Or were you just testing the grounds? 

Do I reach out

Or 

Do I let it slide 

Would I get an answer 

To my million questions

Or 

Would I have to face 

An indirect response

Do I still have a place 

Or 

Is this the path to walk away.... 

18th August 2021 : If only people were kind and keen enough to talk shit out... *sigh* 

The Life Giver

I used to say, I've got my own thing ~EVA~ 

Having Eva meant a sense of belonging, independence, privacy and pride. 

My one true obsession, my love, my life giver. Thank you for safe guarding me in various possible ways. 

Blanketed me on cold days 

Guided me when I was lost 

Comforted me in despair 

Stood by, comforting in silence 

You have seen more of me

More of the REAL me

I thank you from the bottom of my heart

For all the times you caught my tears

For all the times you gave me peace

For all the times you made me smile

Most of all, I thank you for giving me LIFE.  

Adios.

💝 

Anytime, All The Time

Happy Birthday, My Love. This birthday, I decided to write a blog post for you. It could have been an email but blogpost seems cooler. 😜😜

~2013~

Now, where and how do I begin our story with?

I can't totally recall on how it was when we first met, besides the fact that you were an intern. The fact that we were schoolmates but never crossed paths is still a mystery to me. But we clicked immediately when we spoke about books. I thought we would lose contact once you were finished with the internship. After all, that's what happened with other trainees. I was totally wrong. Over the years, we have laughed, cried, argued and even gone on mute mode for weeks. Okay, the mute mode was entirely from my side. But nevertheless, we always managed to pick up the pieces along the way. 

From never ending eye-rolls to happy days, we stood by each other and faced everything. The distance was never an issue between us. We made time, we put in our effort and made it work. Fine, I've always managed to maintain and keep my space away from you but that was because I needed it. You know how obsessed I am with my space and life overall. Oh well, moving on...

If there is ONE person who would ONLY want THE BEST IN ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING for me, it would be YOU. I can never thank you enough for that. LITERALLY EVERY DAMN THING. So much so that it is a little disturbing but I know you mean well. 

I thought I'd recap on some of our adventures and see how we have evolved to where we are now. In fact, I'm sure you would really want to know this. 😜

Krabi 

~Krabi, With Love~

After putting up with so much bullshit and drama, we managed to get both our asses to Krabi. Ohh the excitement we had! How we waited for the early flight, how we dipped into the pool without even checking in. The whole trip was an eye opener for both of us. I learned on something in depth regarding anxiety and panic attacks. Something that we needed to talk and discuss about but never did. We understood and dealt with it in our own terms somehow and worked on improving it. 

Kuching 

~Smoking Cold~

The trip you needed the most. To move on and fix all that turmoil and despair was our biggest hope in this trip. I'd say it worked because it gave hope in both of us that things will indeed get better and the most important thing we need to work on above everything else is self-love.  

Sihan Naatkal 

~Our Core Character~

We set our bar so high in this trip. Laughed so much that every damn thing was hilarious for us. I doubt any other future trips will be up to this par. This trip brought us closer and made us believe that life hoes on, no matter what. We just gotta live our lives to the fullest, as much as we can. Everything about this trip cracks me up. Every damn time!!

Daily Talks 

~Flirting Is An Art~

The one and only person to converse using Thalaivar's gif. Regardless of how serious the conversation is, we end up cracking ourselves up with laughter. Sometimes I wonder, how is it that we are able to yap all day, everyday and still not run out of topics to discuss. At times, you try your very best to climb over the walls I've built, trying really hard not to be obvious. But my love, I know. I'm well aware when you do that. Whether it is intentional or not, I know when you are being extra careful with our conversations. I know when you go on some sort of psychoanalysis mode to study everything I say. Don't get me wrong though. I am always looking forward to our deep conversations and thoughts. I don't know that many people whom I can strike up a deep, thought provoking conversation with. It would be one thing that will not change between us. But just remember that I stand firm to 'Some things are better left unknown and not everyone is allowed in every aspect of my life and space, regardless of the intimacy'.

The Dark Side 

~Proximity~

The past 2 years has been a great experience for the both of us. My relapses of mute mode have been driving you nuts, to the point of no return. I totally understand that you only mean well to help me out but I just needed to deal shit on my own. Besides, I choose not to discuss it with anyone at all. Period. I'm always back in one piece though, even if it takes a little longer. Let's just be grateful for that. I know the whole fiasco of my mute mode kills you inside for not being able to help out but my love, that doesn't make you a lousy ass friend. I just need my space and time. 😉😊 

Anytime, All The Time

Since the beginning of days, you have been totally obsessed and possessive towards my well being. How dissaproving you get whenever Kili or EC is mentioned, even if it was just a random thought. Over the years, we've been so clingy towards each other throughout various stages of emotional and mental state. Regardless, I still stand strong to what I've been telling you all these while. I ain't no oxygen. Life hoes on even when I'm not around. You will sail through, putting into thoughts all that we've been through, recalling my eye rolls and my savage, sarcastic replies. But then love, as long as I'm around, this will always be my stand for you : Anytime, All The Time.

I love you. 💝😘