A Piece Of Me

Turned 40 : #stillalive

Another year without you. It's been tough. And it's gonna get tougher year in, year out. No doubt.  

Since you left, every now and then I see a white butterfly at the porch. And every time I see it, I'd think of you, dropping by to give an assurance or some shit that you are watching over me. 

So, I officially became a coach in 2025 for real. Not a replacement, not a shadow coach. But a coach for real. It feels good to finally do what I'm passionate about without feeling anxious, doubtful and intimidation. 

Rosemary is much more clingy now and she has progressed to sleep on my lap these days. I teared up when she did it the first time. Heck, I'm tearing writing this up. It made me feel so guilty for pushing her away in the very beginning. 🥹🥹 

I saw a video of idli being deep fried today. I was this close to send it to you, thinking of how it's gonna send Idli Man through the roof in watching this atrocity. 😆

Then it strikes. We are not even a meme away anymore... We are both much, much further and unreachable... 

Gosh I miss you that every piece of me aches..🫠🫠🫠

#ark 💝

~I Don't Anymore~

Our Airport Shenanigan

Have u had...

Someone who would drive all the way to the airport at midnight just to have coffee & cakes during your flight layovers?  I did...

Someone whom never fails to send bouquets on valentines day just to celebrate love? I did...

Someone who goes all out to purchase the childhood snacks from back then and gift it on your birthday? I did...

Someone who kept purchasing (read : 3 times) customized cat printed mug till the merchant get the colour and your name right? I did...

Someone who will not have it whenever you mention any self deprecating remarks? I did...

Someone who comes up with creative names for every damn thing that seemed to be giving you a hard time? I did...

Someone who gets gifts for you every now and then, that your room/living space screams their name in presence? I did...

Someone whom you can share the most random shit and get a valid self approved reply/response? I did... 

But I don't anymore... 

When ARK passed, all I could think was whether I told him how much he was loved. And I realized I did, via text, Instagram stories, gifts, letters, cards and emails. I guess I get to hold on to that for all my life. 

When ARK passed, I tossed away all my grief aside because of my exams. When my mum asked, I casually told her I will deal with that after my exams. Well, I eventually did but now, two years down the road, I'm still dealing with it. Will I ever get pass that? How do I live with this pain and void without ARK around? Why did I not fight to send ARK off for the last time? I guess I will always ask why for the rest of my life and I might never find the answer. Whenever I come across a funny meme, I still click the share button to send to ARK and then reality strikes... Every time I see a rainbow, I take photographs to send to him and then reality strikes... Every time I spotted a butterfly or moth at home, I thought it was ARK visiting because he believed in such things... Every time I go to the beach, it reminds me of him... Almost everything screams ARK in silence... 

Losing ARK has been the toughest by far to deal with. Tougher than losing Fadzilah, tougher than losing my grandma. Somedays are bearable. Many days are just as hard. Melancholic and poetic at the same time... Not a day goes by without ARK in my mind... 

~2023: Bewail~

2023 : On a scale of 1 to 10, it was a -20. Horrendous! 

 

Carry

Handle

Moving On

Carried Again

Handled Again

Carrying AGAIN

For every trials and tribulations I carried and handled, I survived multiple internal deaths. 

Exhausted.

Moving forward into 2024 because I don't have a damn choice, do I? 😒

Adumbrate

A Heavy Price

Here comes the annual review for 2022. To adumbrate the entire year, I would say it has been lame and uneventful, though I would like to highlight a number of events. Events that has changed me and my perspectives against the human race in general.  

Event 1 : My job taught me an impactful lesson. To just focus on getting the job done and get the hell out of shithole right on time! It is unnecessary to put in way too much effort in places that does not recognize it entirely, especially when you are being taken advantage of. So, fuck that! 😒  

Event 2 : My participation in Spartan Race escalated to a win for Spartan Super in Sarawak. First race in 3 years since the pandemic, I would say it was due to lack of competition and participation from better athletes. Nevertheless, I was absolutely proud to be flexing KnightPTC's flag during the podium ceremony. Despite being over the moon, this race also taught me that not everyone will be your well wisher and that's okay. The closest person to you may doubt your ability and capabilities and that's okay too. At the end of the day, what matters is your own self reflection : the amount of hard work and effort you put in to improve yourself and excel in something you are passionate about. 😉 

KnightPTC

Event 3: Attachment comes with a risk of abandonment. No attachment is permanent regardless of the tie and one should be ever-ready to accept and let go if another choose to be seasonal. This is by far the hardest lesson for me to take in and digest probably despite the repetitive events of abandonment I've dealt with people on a whole. To a certain extend, it made me question my self-worth but it is what it is. Hence, I gladly took a step back, stayed in my lane and build my fort higher. Life hoes on regardless. #idontdoseasonalfriendships 💁

Whatever floats your fucking boat!

Event 4 : Nothing tops the satisfaction of giving my parents the taste of luxury they never got to experience for themselves during their younger days. So much so that they crave for more and I may have to sell my kidneys or perhaps my siblings. Regardless, it would still be worth it!! 😝

 Event 5 : If you are passionate about something, work extremely smart and hard at it. Little do you know, you are being observed and acknowledged for the things you do and the ways you do it. My dream of coaching in the field of fitness came true in October. An absolutely smooth transition from being a student in KnightPTC to becoming a coach. What moved me to tears is the recognition and acknowledgement from Coach Yanti & Coach Stephen. Easily one of the absolute BEST things that happened this year.   

In overall, from the series of events, both mentioned and not mentioned above, the one thing I distinctively decided and put into practice for this year was my listening trait. I became more observant, chose to shut it, listen (and maybe, just maybe judge in silence). It came with a hefty price though. It definitely took a toll on my mental and emotional health. When you do it a little too extra self-consciously, it is only natural to have a tiny bit of expectation of the same trait in others. It is mind-blowingly frustrating to grasp the fact that not everyone is willing to listen to the extend that you do or heck, just hear even a trivial detail of something you have to say. So, I choose not to waste my time and theirs. *Cue Linkin Park's 'Nobody's Listening'* 😌 

As the year comes to an end, I'd wrap it up by saying 'In the end, all you have is you. Just You'

One More Light

 

You peeped on my phone screen while I was choosing a playlist for my drive home

Seeing Linkin Park on my screen, it was just that apt to ask what's my favourite song from the band 

In the end...it has always been In the end... 

And yours is apparently One More Light 

I couldn't recall the song so I assumed it's from their last album before Chester's passing... 

I listened to the track on the way back home 

Devouring the lyrics, the meaning behind every line 

And reading between the lines 

A wave of emotion swept through me  

I hope you know your presence matters 

I hope you reach out if you need help 

I hope things get better 

For you and your surroundings 

It's not quite right of me to assume that you are going through a rough patch by listening to the song. But anyhow, I wish you well. Always. #myskateboarder

Endure

Journey of A Thousand Miles Begins When You Put Your Foot Down

I have always refused to put up with bullshit 

 But I also happen to 

make certain exceptions 

Especially for you 

Just because it was you...

Years flew by

Encountering your antics

The sarcasm, the mockery

All of that toxic trait 

I knew you possessed 

Since day one 

I persevered 

the red flags 

Simply because 

It was your way of 

Building a safe fort 

Shielding from 

emotions, monologues, action 

 

I endured them all 

open hearted and willingly 

As your once 

wonderful summer companion...

Never thought 

I would 

take that phrase to heart did you? 

Neither did I 

But guess what ? 

That was probably 

the ONLY nice thing 

You have ever said 

or rather, texted about me...  

With that,

I put my foot down 

I'm done enduring  

Let's just stop this 

altogether... 

The end of HeyYou. I decided on this not too long ago, though I have just found the time and effort to properly execute it. With that being said, life hoes on... 😉

Missing Home Chronicles

Sunset From Home

20th July 2021. Hari Raya Haji. Listening to takbir raya makes me weep. It brings the longing, sinking feeling out in the open. It has been about one and a half year since I have gone home. I miss home. Terribly. I miss just to be able to dine with my family, watch tv and laugh out loud or even get mocked at how I laugh out loud at the simplest lamest joke possible. #mudahterhibur 

Today has been especially hard to deal with. Being away from home for far too long does take its toll. 

6th August 2021 : I miss mum a little bit more today. Could be due to Grey's Anatomy episodes where Maggie's mum got sick and Maggie tries her very best to help cure the sickness. *sigh* 

16th August 2021 : The AC in the office is so damn cold. Takes me back to almost 11 years ago where E always makes an effort to keep me warm everytime I'm feeling cold. As much as I am not a person who's keen on being physical, this simple gesture always warms my heart regardless. I guess it's the little things that count and remains in your memories. Feeling nostalgic, I began reading the conversations from before, and concluded that nothing much has changed since. 😂🤪

29th August 2021 : Mum's birthday today. Sent her a cake and some hearts for her to break. How ironic. Like I have not broken her heart enough already. 🤪 Video called during the cake cutting and shit. It's heartwarming to see her smile and hear her say 'This is my best birthday ever. I'm happy.' She says that every damn year but it's nice to hear her say with that ear to ear smile. Proves a point that effort goes a long way. 🤭🤭 My heart is full just seeing her bright smile. 

10th September 2021 : Video called home again today. Mum was yapping away to kingdom come. I did some parading on the deliveries and spoke about random things.  

September 2021 by far has been the loneliest ever I felt in the longest time. Nothing much has been going right. Self-satisfaction on anything and everthing has been out the window. I'm so exhausted of making and putting effort where I don't belong. Perhaps, I never did belong here in the first place. How ignorant of me to miss the signs. I tend to forget that if I had lived just fine before certain attachment, I should be able to do the same shit now without it. Maybe I was just making the best out of what was offered by fate. Or maybe I was just dumb as fuck to get too attached. 😅😅 Could this mean that I am slowly making my way back to where it all began? Or is it just a phase of withdrawal I'm going through? 

4th November 2021 : The most quiet and low key deepavali I've had by far. Went to work to settle some shit, spent the rest of the day on my own and then went out for dinner & movie at night. Nothing great of a celebration but it was alright nevertheless. 

3rd December 2021 : Fucking finally heading home today. Typing this while waiting to board my flight... Oh damn the anxiety and excitement 🤪🤪 

Reached home and been home bound for most of the days. Home is more of a warehouse now 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ oh well! Some things just never change. But I spent time with everyone. Laughed my ass off with Lekavathee. Just being home felt surreal and good. 

17th December 2021 : Flying back to Kuching today. When I got in the GrabCar, the driver said 'Wah, I can see your father really sayang you. That's very nice.' 😭😭😭 It always feel like it's the last time I'm meeting the family. It's never a 'I'll see them soon.' As they are consumed by age, I guess I'm just preparing myself. 

I'm sitting at the airport, waiting to board the plane and crying my ass off. Things will not be the same again. Already missing everyone and everything. 

Tug of War

How It Feels To Hope

Hope is a distance

For every time you speak

I move a little closer

Hope is a destination 

For every inch you move further

I step forward towards you 

Hope is fragile 

For everytime you snap the stitches open

I patch it up again and again 

Hope is dangerous 

For just a little smile from you

Brightens my sunken heart  

Hope is tormenting 

For every little thing you do 

Makes me want to fix us 

Hope is the only answer

For the tug of war 

Between us to end... 

 

Two

 Two Is NOT ALWAYS Better Than One

Two

Is all it takes 

To smile

To greet

To laugh

To clap 

To feel

To lead

To love

To leave... 

Leash

Darkness Prevail

Oh the audacity

Of being laconic

To cease everything curated

Did you even bruise 

At being punched 

With endless query 

Or

Did you swell

At having the upperhand

To let go 

And still be a thrall... 

Convenience

 

Right Here, Waiting

Dope party 

of You, talking beats

and I listened, mostly

For your convenience...

Party paused 

still loud but eerily silent

at your convenience 

Questions raised, 

self-convincing, awkward answers 

left me to ponder and wander 

Now 

the party has begun

at Your convenience 

yet again

but wait I did

Right here

Just to feel the beat again... 

So I Thought

We got along 

Understood well

We sailed through

Or so I thought...   

 

Does having an opinion 

Makes me so wrong? 

Or 

Should I have agreed to the wrong 

And not stand to my opinion?  

Does it bother you 

As much as it torments me? 

Did you genuinely care 

Or were you just testing the grounds? 

Do I reach out

Or 

Do I let it slide 

Would I get an answer 

To my million questions

Or 

Would I have to face 

An indirect response

Do I still have a place 

Or 

Is this the path to walk away.... 

18th August 2021 : If only people were kind and keen enough to talk shit out... *sigh* 

The Life Giver

I used to say, I've got my own thing ~EVA~ 

Having Eva meant a sense of belonging, independence, privacy and pride. 

My one true obsession, my love, my life giver. Thank you for safe guarding me in various possible ways. 

Blanketed me on cold days 

Guided me when I was lost 

Comforted me in despair 

Stood by, comforting in silence 

You have seen more of me

More of the REAL me

I thank you from the bottom of my heart

For all the times you caught my tears

For all the times you gave me peace

For all the times you made me smile

Most of all, I thank you for giving me LIFE.  

Adios.

💝 

Anytime, All The Time

Happy Birthday, My Love. This birthday, I decided to write a blog post for you. It could have been an email but blogpost seems cooler. 😜😜

~2013~

Now, where and how do I begin our story with?

I can't totally recall on how it was when we first met, besides the fact that you were an intern. The fact that we were schoolmates but never crossed paths is still a mystery to me. But we clicked immediately when we spoke about books. I thought we would lose contact once you were finished with the internship. After all, that's what happened with other trainees. I was totally wrong. Over the years, we have laughed, cried, argued and even gone on mute mode for weeks. Okay, the mute mode was entirely from my side. But nevertheless, we always managed to pick up the pieces along the way. 

From never ending eye-rolls to happy days, we stood by each other and faced everything. The distance was never an issue between us. We made time, we put in our effort and made it work. Fine, I've always managed to maintain and keep my space away from you but that was because I needed it. You know how obsessed I am with my space and life overall. Oh well, moving on...

If there is ONE person who would ONLY want THE BEST IN ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING for me, it would be YOU. I can never thank you enough for that. LITERALLY EVERY DAMN THING. So much so that it is a little disturbing but I know you mean well. 

I thought I'd recap on some of our adventures and see how we have evolved to where we are now. In fact, I'm sure you would really want to know this. 😜

Krabi 

~Krabi, With Love~

After putting up with so much bullshit and drama, we managed to get both our asses to Krabi. Ohh the excitement we had! How we waited for the early flight, how we dipped into the pool without even checking in. The whole trip was an eye opener for both of us. I learned on something in depth regarding anxiety and panic attacks. Something that we needed to talk and discuss about but never did. We understood and dealt with it in our own terms somehow and worked on improving it. 

Kuching 

~Smoking Cold~

The trip you needed the most. To move on and fix all that turmoil and despair was our biggest hope in this trip. I'd say it worked because it gave hope in both of us that things will indeed get better and the most important thing we need to work on above everything else is self-love.  

Sihan Naatkal 

~Our Core Character~

We set our bar so high in this trip. Laughed so much that every damn thing was hilarious for us. I doubt any other future trips will be up to this par. This trip brought us closer and made us believe that life hoes on, no matter what. We just gotta live our lives to the fullest, as much as we can. Everything about this trip cracks me up. Every damn time!!

Daily Talks 

~Flirting Is An Art~

The one and only person to converse using Thalaivar's gif. Regardless of how serious the conversation is, we end up cracking ourselves up with laughter. Sometimes I wonder, how is it that we are able to yap all day, everyday and still not run out of topics to discuss. At times, you try your very best to climb over the walls I've built, trying really hard not to be obvious. But my love, I know. I'm well aware when you do that. Whether it is intentional or not, I know when you are being extra careful with our conversations. I know when you go on some sort of psychoanalysis mode to study everything I say. Don't get me wrong though. I am always looking forward to our deep conversations and thoughts. I don't know that many people whom I can strike up a deep, thought provoking conversation with. It would be one thing that will not change between us. But just remember that I stand firm to 'Some things are better left unknown and not everyone is allowed in every aspect of my life and space, regardless of the intimacy'.

The Dark Side 

~Proximity~

The past 2 years has been a great experience for the both of us. My relapses of mute mode have been driving you nuts, to the point of no return. I totally understand that you only mean well to help me out but I just needed to deal shit on my own. Besides, I choose not to discuss it with anyone at all. Period. I'm always back in one piece though, even if it takes a little longer. Let's just be grateful for that. I know the whole fiasco of my mute mode kills you inside for not being able to help out but my love, that doesn't make you a lousy ass friend. I just need my space and time. 😉😊 

Anytime, All The Time

Since the beginning of days, you have been totally obsessed and possessive towards my well being. How dissaproving you get whenever Kili or EC is mentioned, even if it was just a random thought. Over the years, we've been so clingy towards each other throughout various stages of emotional and mental state. Regardless, I still stand strong to what I've been telling you all these while. I ain't no oxygen. Life hoes on even when I'm not around. You will sail through, putting into thoughts all that we've been through, recalling my eye rolls and my savage, sarcastic replies. But then love, as long as I'm around, this will always be my stand for you : Anytime, All The Time.

I love you. 💝😘

How It All Began...

 Bangkok : New Year 2020 Countdown

I stepped into Year 2020 watching absolutely stunning fireworks in the skies of Bangkok, checking it off my bucketlist. Then I signed up for a couple of spartan races and booked tickets for ACT hike without any second thoughts. Fast forward to March, Covid - 19 took over the limelight. Races got postponed, flights were cancelled and everyone is home bound. 😒😏 

I gotta admit though, that I was very elated when MCO was announced. The significant pause and change in years of routine brought so much differences in the way I have lived. The fact that I did not have to deal with unnecessary toxicity was totally overwhelming. 

While many out there were bored out of their skulls and striving really hard to make ends meet, I made use of all that time indulging in self-care, reading those dense books which I struggled to even begin with and also improved my cooking and baking skills. I had my workout regimes, squeezed in all the time in hands to Netflix and chill. I'd safely say 1 month of MCO gave me peace and rest that I have been wanting and needed so much over the years.  

Then came CMCO, home-quarantine and the new norm, which is obviously not so new anymore. But the whole Covid-19 fiasco gave me the greatest gift of all, FRIENDS.  

Pitz  

Cheers to 20 years and more of pissing each other off with nasty remarks. The one thing I miss being away from you is the ability to just talk about anything and everything under the sun. Thank you Pitz for never judging or even reacting for anything and everything. For being that ONE nasty person I can talk to and laugh my ass off with, thank you. My dearest best friend, at least aku MASIH sayang kat hang. *at least* 💝😘 

Shyam 

I know this year hasn't been great for the both of us in some ways. We sort of fell apart but managed to pick up the pieces along the way. I can never thank you enough for always wanting ONLY THE BEST for me. I totally understand how protective and possesive you are of me and my well being. But love, you gotta let loose sometimes. I have my ways of dealing with shit and the approach changes rapidly in time. Reading too much into it will only drive both of us nuts. Regardless, you will always be close to my heart. Anytime, All The Time. 💝😘 

Fazi   

A year of knowing you Fazi, you have been nothing but a kind and fun person. Coming up with the wittiest and funny remarks, making me speechless and dumbfounded at times, you are certainly someone I cherish wholeheartedly. For all the well-planned ad-hoc camping trips and staycations, you have taught me to be more open to new adventures. For always being understanding in regards of my anxiety during hikes, thank you. Not forgetting all those wonderful shots you take during all our activities. I've finally found someone who can take absolutely awesome photos of me. Thank you Fazi, for making this year an amazing one. 🤗💝 

Aimi 

The exchange of sarcasms, sinister jokes and dissaproval looks is so us. So glad our paths crossed and I'd say you have taught me that working out can be all fun and not necessarily serious. For having simple goals and just trying out new workout regimes has challenged me in various different ways. Ohh not forgetting our kdrama discussions. For once, I have someone I can discuss kdramas in depth without fan-girling on a whole. How we always see characters in relative to issues in the world is something I always look forward to discuss about with. Knowing you is a gift. Always remember that. 💝🤗

Ilyana

Being acquainted to you was the BEST thing that happened this year. How we became close in the shortest time of all is beyond my expectations and understanding. But what I do know is, you, my dearest, is a blessing. For remembering the simplest details of almost everything we spoke about, you impress me. It means a lot that you put into thought about almost everything, from the place we met to my favourite view of a mountain. For making me laugh every single day, thank you. My days are brighter with you though you drive me up the wall sometimes with your unnecessary remarks and assumptions. Will always be grateful for the things you do and the ways you do it. Thank you for a great year, my dearest. 🤗😘💝

Jeyaganesan

My dearest Encik. Your calls are the only thing I always look forward to when a new week kicks in. Never in my wildest dreams have I ever liked long telephone conversations except yours. For genuinely always wanting to know things on my side, thank you. For being the person to always surprise me, I'm grateful. This year has been a bummer to all our plans but let's just hope we can work shit out next year or so, whenever we can coz our list is getting longer 🤭🤭 Cheers to a better year ahead! 💝🤗

Edi  

My Edi. Where shall I start? For claiming to know my 'pattern', trying to lure me into *you know what*, our eye rolling moments, laughing at everything, every time we meet and especially in misleading the world around us, you are one of a kind. I may not agree to many of your thought processes, but hey, whatever floats your boat! *Cheers* Sometimes, we just gotta man up and deal with shit. Regardless of whatever that comes between us, we shall always choose to be a better man. After all, that's what makes us, US. 💝🤗

This year has given me the opportunity to know these kind and amazing souls in depth, in the name of friends. Keeping my sanity in check, these friends of mine have been there, put up and dealt with every single assholic traits of mine. Blessed & Grateful. That I am. 💝🤗 Wishing everyone a better year ahead! 

~Reunited~

~Bangkok Bound~

I almost lost you today...

The thought of not having you
What would I do without you?
How will I cope?
I won't, No.... I can't...
But I may have to...

No! I can't...
I want you back
I need you
I really really do...

I can't do without you
I can't lose you
Not now, not ever (I hope)

For having you
In my arms
Will fill my nights with warmth
Wipe my tears with presence
Console my sorrows with silence
For you, I am grateful
Thank you

1st January 2020 - After a whole day of sightseeing in Bangkok, I got back to the hotel room only to find Buddy missing. Got fucking anxious and ransacked the whole room. Rushed down to the reception and managed to make the receptionist understand that my center of universe was gone.

He made a few calls while I stood there in tears. I was told to get back to the room and wait. I obliged without a word. All I want is Buddy back in my arms. I don't fucking care who took it or why or what... I just want my life back.

I waited for probably the longest 45 minutes of my life. No joke. Crying my ass off, I waited. Then, a knock on the door. Reunited. I got Buddy back. No questions asked. I can't thank the receptionist enough for working his way out. Having Buddy back is enough.

Before checking out from the hotel, I thank the receptionist again for getting Buddy back and all he gave was a smirk. Maybe it's something trivial for him. He saw it as just a soft toy. He doesn't understand the sentiment behind this chaos. This whole situation made me realize that we often look down or judge the smallest thing we view as trivial. Something trivial to us may mean the world to someone. Let's be respectful of other's sentiment and not be an ass, taking things for granted.

Chasing Trifectas & Life Altogether

2019 has been all about chasing Trifectas and life altogether. Initial aim was 2 Trifectas but it escalated to 3 and the cherry on top : a 2nd place podium win for the Spartan Beast Iskandar Puteri.

Spartan Beast Iskandar Puteri

I spent MOST of my time (and money) at the gym and outdoor (hiking, trekking, chasing waterfalls). As much as I refused to compromise on my trainings, I do have a balanced social life and an ever growing circle of FRIENDS : the Durians, the Knights, the Walk In The Park, the Hardcore Kuching Spartan and many more...

the Durians

Knights 

~Walk In The Park~

Despite the number of extreme breakdowns I had this year, I got my shit together and dealt with it. It tested me as a person overall, questioned my quality as a person, and how I should always see the bigger picture of anything and everything there is. I took time and space to regain my sanity and self - peace, risking on losing some pretty significant people but gaining the centre of my universe, for the better.

Centre Of My Universe

At work, apparently my assholic traits have reduced and I'm more understanding. My colleague claimed I smile more and am more approachable. From being bashed on FB for having a sourface (read RBF) back then and now turned to being approachable and understanding is definitely a big change on my side. 😊

A day before Spartan race, I received this text from Zahra.

All I did was encouraged her during the trainings at the gym. Simple deeds goes a long way indeed. My dearest Zahra, thank you for this. Will always keep this close to my heart. 🤗🤗🤗

Dina, started her weightloss journey with my guidance in September 2018. After a year, she has lost almost 36kg and currently sustaining a well balanced, healthy lifestyle. My dearest Dinz, your transformation and will to change should be an example for many out there. Thank you for putting your trust in me and assuring that I can pursue being a fitness coach in future. Just don't shrink further and lose that ass. 😜😜

Take A Chance, Make A Change

I have explored more of Kuching's hidden treasures and did some impressive (or maybe not) life threatening stunts. From trail runs to going through swamps and then camping, only to be hit by high tidal waves was a very memorable experience. It tested my will, my paranoid nature and my OCDs. 😂😂😂 I have no regrets and I would do it all over again. My dearest Fazi, Edi and Walk In The Park Gang, thank you for all the trips and adventures. 😘💝

Me Against The World

Being an avid reader, this year I did rather poorly. I managed to read only 12 books for the whole year. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ But I finally managed to get My Friend Leonard by James Frey, the sequel to A Million Little Pieces. A great read, raw and very thought provoking.

Done with chasing trifectas, I took up boxing lessons. Still a noob at it though. Trying to manage my limbs' orientation is no joke 😅😅. Will get there with more practice, I'm sure. 💪🏼👊🏼

It has been a hell of an achievement this year. Be it my progress in sports or as a person overall. Of course, next year will most probably be about chasing trifectas as well, but hopefully with a well balanced schedule and lifestyle overall. 😁😁

Bangkok : It's A Wrap

Wrapping up 2019 in Bangkok. 💃💃💃 Happy New Year peeps!! 🎉🎊

Never Try, Never Know

Spartan Race was held in Sarawak for the first time on 19th and 20th October 2019.
Although I've participated in a few Spartan Races before, this race is super special and one that is very close to my heart. This time, I participated the Sprint with my family from KnightPTC. I was questioned by many of my friends on why would I choose to run in the open category when I am capable of doing the competitive one. Here's why :

My family from KnightPTC, almost all of them, first timers, signed up for the Spartan Sprint Open. I thought it would be fun to do it together with them since we worked hard, training for the race. And I have no regrets at all.

All of us trained our asses off for the past 3 months. Many started the training regime by not being able to even run ONE round around the block but eventually progressed to completing 10 rounds non-stop. Many started by not being able to do rope climbs, monkey bars, Z-wall but now, they master them like a boss.

Prior to the race, many was skeptical bout their capabilities. They were doubtful whether they can even do any obstacles at all. They were afraid of leeches. They were mindful about the muddy course. Many kept saying they won't be able to do certain obstacles. Many planned to just succumb to doing the burpees without even attempting the obstacles. Nevertheless, they didn't withdraw. They were still willing to participate and race with integrity.

As much as we all had the race jitters, we raced on the eventful day with a huge smile on our faces. We did it with full integrity and we complete it all. And the outcome of it all, priceless. We got a huge sense of accomplishment in being out of our comfort zone. We helped each other, we laughed hard during the race and it was all fun. Some even did the Beast race on the next day.

Shoutout to Yanti and Stephen from KnightPTC, for nurturing us in becoming a better sportsperson. For always motivating and laying things out as it is. For always pushing us further for improvement. For always putting that effort to help us in many ways, especially in being a friend and a coach at the same time. Not everyone can or willing to do that.

To my fellow KnightPTC gang, you guys are amazing. I'm super proud and in total bliss to have run the Sprint course with you guys. It was so much fun. Thank you for not giving up, for trying, and be willing to improve yourselves. I know I kinda push you guys during training sometimes but that's because I know you guys are capable of doing better. There's always room for improvement. Always remember: Never Try, Never Know.

KnightPTC Gang

Post Race 

~34 And Alive~

Looking At The Bright Side

10th September : Apparently it is Suicide Prevention Day. What a total joke. Joke's on me. 😂😂

I turned 34 yesterday. Currently reading My Friend Leonard by James Frey. It's a sequel to A Million Little Pieces. Both the books are totally mind boggling, thought provoking and raw. So raw you literally feel you are bleeding emotion. Every damn flow of thoughts is relatable and deep.

Referring to the book, when James (the author) got a promotion while working at a bar, he bought himself a cake and buried his face in it. I thought that was an absolutely simple but a satisfying deed and decided I should get myself a fucking cake and devour it all by myself. And I did. Though it didn't change a thing about the thoughts of my birthday, I felt good about it. It made me smile. It made me happy.

Why 34 and Alive? Coz that's the bitter truth. I could have died anytime in between my birth up till now but I did not. I survived every fucking thing thrown at me. I survived every emotional turmoil I was put through by dramas, books, people and everyday incidents. Hence, it's a fucking achievement, just to be alive.

Period.

Empty Space

Only You Could Fill This Empty Space

How very fond I am towards you
Even after all these years of silence...

Even when you mock me ruthless

Even when you ridicule my efforts, every single one of them

How very fond I am towards you
Even when you are being toxic

Even when you threw me apart,

I'm left with an empty space for you to fill

How very fond I am towards you
Is something I can't explain in words,
let alone in action.

That empty space will always be vacant. Always.