~2023: Bewail~

2023 : On a scale of 1 to 10, it was a -20. Horrendous! 

 

Carry

Handle

Moving On

Carried Again

Handled Again

Carrying AGAIN

For every trials and tribulations I carried and handled, I survived multiple internal deaths. 

Exhausted.

Moving forward into 2024 because I don't have a damn choice, do I? 😒

Adumbrate

A Heavy Price

Here comes the annual review for 2022. To adumbrate the entire year, I would say it has been lame and uneventful, though I would like to highlight a number of events. Events that has changed me and my perspectives against the human race in general.  

Event 1 : My job taught me an impactful lesson. To just focus on getting the job done and get the hell out of shithole right on time! It is unnecessary to put in way too much effort in places that does not recognize it entirely, especially when you are being taken advantage of. So, fuck that! 😒  

Event 2 : My participation in Spartan Race escalated to a win for Spartan Super in Sarawak. First race in 3 years since the pandemic, I would say it was due to lack of competition and participation from better athletes. Nevertheless, I was absolutely proud to be flexing KnightPTC's flag during the podium ceremony. Despite being over the moon, this race also taught me that not everyone will be your well wisher and that's okay. The closest person to you may doubt your ability and capabilities and that's okay too. At the end of the day, what matters is your own self reflection : the amount of hard work and effort you put in to improve yourself and excel in something you are passionate about. 😉 

KnightPTC

Event 3: Attachment comes with a risk of abandonment. No attachment is permanent regardless of the tie and one should be ever-ready to accept and let go if another choose to be seasonal. This is by far the hardest lesson for me to take in and digest probably despite the repetitive events of abandonment I've dealt with people on a whole. To a certain extend, it made me question my self-worth but it is what it is. Hence, I gladly took a step back, stayed in my lane and build my fort higher. Life hoes on regardless. #idontdoseasonalfriendships 💁

Whatever floats your fucking boat!

Event 4 : Nothing tops the satisfaction of giving my parents the taste of luxury they never got to experience for themselves during their younger days. So much so that they crave for more and I may have to sell my kidneys or perhaps my siblings. Regardless, it would still be worth it!! 😝

 Event 5 : If you are passionate about something, work extremely smart and hard at it. Little do you know, you are being observed and acknowledged for the things you do and the ways you do it. My dream of coaching in the field of fitness came true in October. An absolutely smooth transition from being a student in KnightPTC to becoming a coach. What moved me to tears is the recognition and acknowledgement from Coach Yanti & Coach Stephen. Easily one of the absolute BEST things that happened this year.   

In overall, from the series of events, both mentioned and not mentioned above, the one thing I distinctively decided and put into practice for this year was my listening trait. I became more observant, chose to shut it, listen (and maybe, just maybe judge in silence). It came with a hefty price though. It definitely took a toll on my mental and emotional health. When you do it a little too extra self-consciously, it is only natural to have a tiny bit of expectation of the same trait in others. It is mind-blowingly frustrating to grasp the fact that not everyone is willing to listen to the extend that you do or heck, just hear even a trivial detail of something you have to say. So, I choose not to waste my time and theirs. *Cue Linkin Park's 'Nobody's Listening'* 😌 

As the year comes to an end, I'd wrap it up by saying 'In the end, all you have is you. Just You'

One More Light

 

You peeped on my phone screen while I was choosing a playlist for my drive home

Seeing Linkin Park on my screen, it was just that apt to ask what's my favourite song from the band 

In the end...it has always been In the end... 

And yours is apparently One More Light 

I couldn't recall the song so I assumed it's from their last album before Chester's passing... 

I listened to the track on the way back home 

Devouring the lyrics, the meaning behind every line 

And reading between the lines 

A wave of emotion swept through me  

I hope you know your presence matters 

I hope you reach out if you need help 

I hope things get better 

For you and your surroundings 

It's not quite right of me to assume that you are going through a rough patch by listening to the song. But anyhow, I wish you well. Always. #myskateboarder

Endure

Journey of A Thousand Miles Begins When You Put Your Foot Down

I have always refused to put up with bullshit 

 But I also happen to 

make certain exceptions 

Especially for you 

Just because it was you...

Years flew by

Encountering your antics

The sarcasm, the mockery

All of that toxic trait 

I knew you possessed 

Since day one 

I persevered 

the red flags 

Simply because 

It was your way of 

Building a safe fort 

Shielding from 

emotions, monologues, action 

 

I endured them all 

open hearted and willingly 

As your once 

wonderful summer companion...

Never thought 

I would 

take that phrase to heart did you? 

Neither did I 

But guess what ? 

That was probably 

the ONLY nice thing 

You have ever said 

or rather, texted about me...  

With that,

I put my foot down 

I'm done enduring  

Let's just stop this 

altogether... 

The end of HeyYou. I decided on this not too long ago, though I have just found the time and effort to properly execute it. With that being said, life hoes on... 😉

Missing Home Chronicles

Sunset From Home

20th July 2021. Hari Raya Haji. Listening to takbir raya makes me weep. It brings the longing, sinking feeling out in the open. It has been about one and a half year since I have gone home. I miss home. Terribly. I miss just to be able to dine with my family, watch tv and laugh out loud or even get mocked at how I laugh out loud at the simplest lamest joke possible. #mudahterhibur 

Today has been especially hard to deal with. Being away from home for far too long does take its toll. 

6th August 2021 : I miss mum a little bit more today. Could be due to Grey's Anatomy episodes where Maggie's mum got sick and Maggie tries her very best to help cure the sickness. *sigh* 

16th August 2021 : The AC in the office is so damn cold. Takes me back to almost 11 years ago where E always makes an effort to keep me warm everytime I'm feeling cold. As much as I am not a person who's keen on being physical, this simple gesture always warms my heart regardless. I guess it's the little things that count and remains in your memories. Feeling nostalgic, I began reading the conversations from before, and concluded that nothing much has changed since. 😂🤪

29th August 2021 : Mum's birthday today. Sent her a cake and some hearts for her to break. How ironic. Like I have not broken her heart enough already. 🤪 Video called during the cake cutting and shit. It's heartwarming to see her smile and hear her say 'This is my best birthday ever. I'm happy.' She says that every damn year but it's nice to hear her say with that ear to ear smile. Proves a point that effort goes a long way. 🤭🤭 My heart is full just seeing her bright smile. 

10th September 2021 : Video called home again today. Mum was yapping away to kingdom come. I did some parading on the deliveries and spoke about random things.  

September 2021 by far has been the loneliest ever I felt in the longest time. Nothing much has been going right. Self-satisfaction on anything and everthing has been out the window. I'm so exhausted of making and putting effort where I don't belong. Perhaps, I never did belong here in the first place. How ignorant of me to miss the signs. I tend to forget that if I had lived just fine before certain attachment, I should be able to do the same shit now without it. Maybe I was just making the best out of what was offered by fate. Or maybe I was just dumb as fuck to get too attached. 😅😅 Could this mean that I am slowly making my way back to where it all began? Or is it just a phase of withdrawal I'm going through? 

4th November 2021 : The most quiet and low key deepavali I've had by far. Went to work to settle some shit, spent the rest of the day on my own and then went out for dinner & movie at night. Nothing great of a celebration but it was alright nevertheless. 

3rd December 2021 : Fucking finally heading home today. Typing this while waiting to board my flight... Oh damn the anxiety and excitement 🤪🤪 

Reached home and been home bound for most of the days. Home is more of a warehouse now 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ oh well! Some things just never change. But I spent time with everyone. Laughed my ass off with Lekavathee. Just being home felt surreal and good. 

17th December 2021 : Flying back to Kuching today. When I got in the GrabCar, the driver said 'Wah, I can see your father really sayang you. That's very nice.' 😭😭😭 It always feel like it's the last time I'm meeting the family. It's never a 'I'll see them soon.' As they are consumed by age, I guess I'm just preparing myself. 

I'm sitting at the airport, waiting to board the plane and crying my ass off. Things will not be the same again. Already missing everyone and everything. 

Tug of War

How It Feels To Hope

Hope is a distance

For every time you speak

I move a little closer

Hope is a destination 

For every inch you move further

I step forward towards you 

Hope is fragile 

For everytime you snap the stitches open

I patch it up again and again 

Hope is dangerous 

For just a little smile from you

Brightens my sunken heart  

Hope is tormenting 

For every little thing you do 

Makes me want to fix us 

Hope is the only answer

For the tug of war 

Between us to end... 

 

Two

 Two Is NOT ALWAYS Better Than One

Two

Is all it takes 

To smile

To greet

To laugh

To clap 

To feel

To lead

To love

To leave...